Andris A. Zoltners

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Sales Humor



These quotes were taken from real resumes, cover letters and Performance Reviews. Most were printed in the July 21, 1997, issue of Fortune Magazine.

These quotes are taken from actual performance evaluations

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."
3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."
4. "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
5. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."
6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that this is only to change whichever foot was previously in there."
7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."
8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."
9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."
10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
11. "This employee should go far-and the sooner he starts, the better."
12. He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless.
13. He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier.
14. He's been working with glue too much.
15. He would argue with a signpost.
16. He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room.
17. When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell.
18. If you see 2 people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one.

These are actual lines from military performance appraisals or OERS(Officer Efficiency Reports)

1. "Not the sharpest knife in the drawer."
2. "Got into the gene pool while the lifeguard wasn't watching."
3. "A room temperature IQ."
4. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
5. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."
6. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."
7. "A prime candidate for natural deselection."
8. "Bright as Alaska in December."
9. "One-celled organisms out score him in IQ tests."
10. "Donated his body to science before he was done using it."
11. "Fell out of the family tree."
12. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."
13. "Has two brains; one is lost and the other is out looking for it."
14. "He's so dense, light bends around him."
15. "If brains were taxed, he'd get a rebate."
16. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."
17. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."
18. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."
19. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."
20. "One neuron short of a synapse."
21. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
22. "Takes him 1 1/2 hours to watch 60 Minutes."
23. "Wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead."

These quotes were taken from actual resumes and cover letters.

1. "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
2. "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreasheet progroms."
3. "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
4. "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial institutions."
5. "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
6. "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
7. "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
8. "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
9. "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
10. "Am a perfectionist and rarely if ever forget details."
11. "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
12. "Marital status: single. Unmarried. Unengaged. Uninvolved. No commitments."
13. "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
14 "I am loyal to my employer at all costs.... Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
15. "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
16. "My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage."
17. "I procrastinate, especially when the task is unpleasant."
18. "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
19. "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
20. "Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store."
21. "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
22. "Marital status: often. Children: various."
23. "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
24. "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."
25. "Finished eighth in my class of ten."
26. "References: none. I've left a path of destruction behind me."


From a survey of top personnel executives of 100 major American corporations, here are some of the stories of unusual behavior by job applicants.

The lowlights:

"... said he was so well-qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent."

"... stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application."

"... brought her large dog to the interview."

"...She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to me and the music at the same time."

"Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later, wearing a hairpiece."

"Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle."

"...asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate."

"... announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and french fries in the interviewer's office."

"Stated that, if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm."

"Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions."

"... wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police."

"When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office."

"...had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him."

"...bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet."

"At the end of the interview, while I stood there dumbstruck, the applicant went through my purse, took out a brush, brushed his hair, and left."

"...pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him."

"Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer I had made was formal."

"Said he wasn't interested because the position paid too much."

"During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's brief case. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview."

"A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: 'Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?' I said, 'I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further.' He promptly responded, 'I am as long as you'll pay me more.' I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer."

"An applicant came in wearing only one shoe. She explained that the other shoe was stolen off her foot in the bus."

"He came to the interview with a moped and left it in the reception area. He didn't want it to get stolen, and stated that he would require indoor parking for the moped."

"He took off his right shoe and sock, removed a medicated foot powder and dusted it on the foot and in the shoe. While he was putting back the shoe and sock, he mentioned that he had to use the powder four times a day, and this was the time."

"He whistled when the interviewer was talking."

"...she threw-up on my desk, and immediately started asking questions about the job, like nothing had happened."

"Pointing to a black case he carried into my office, he said that if he was not hired, the bomb would go off. Disbelieving, I began to state why he would never be hired and that I was going to call the police. He then reached down to the case, flipped a switch and ran. No one was injured, but I did need to get a new desk."